Training day at Williamsburg

I wasn't going to do a race report but the more I thought about it and
the more comments I got from other friends and family the more I wanted
to put my day/weekend down on paper; in writing.  
Let's call this a race/Training report shall we. I'm going to start with
Saturday, the Saturday before the race. We went for a practice swim. No
wet suit, in my regular bathing suite, nothing fancy.  The water was
PERFECT. I couldn't ask for better, really. For ME to say that is just
craziness.  I just swam to the first buoy and back to see how thing were
going to be and I didn't want to get to tired or stressed. So A+ for the
practice swim.
Race Morning.  It's POURING!  I means POURING cats and dogs at 3:30 am,
4:30 am and FINALLY at about 5am it slows down, we make it to
transitions get our set up, there at TWO this time, which is VERY
daunting, I've never done this before. Coach Ed say's that I'm going to
be late to my our funeral, which is probably true but, I got down to the
water and got my wet suit on with the help of Rich, thank GOD, thank you
SO much!!  Just in time. So I'm a little nervous at the start but I'm
generally fine because of Saturdays swim and I feel ready, I feel great!
My wave goes off...we walk to the first buoy <smile>, I get to swim deep
water and go...feeling pretty good, it's a little rough, but it's still
ok. I'm getting mouthful of water and people are swimming EVERYWHERE,
ok, good, 'I'm fine, good practice for Ironman Florida' I tell myself
'Just keep going, your fine' {kick in the face} 'your fine keep going
and sighting'.   It seems like the minute I passed the buoy for the
international distance the water just got worse. I got on my back to get
a full breath and calm down, I turned back around to keep going and
every time I'd look up and sight I'd be pushed back or over 5 feet away
from the red buoy (the one the I needed to get to).  I saw a jet ski and
I decided to hold onto it for a second, I looked around, I saw Patti
Jackson and someone else saw holding on as well.  Quite honestly there
was a lot of confusion.  I ended up swimming to a boat because they said
that I had to get out of the water, then they were saying that that
ferry was coming, then I went over to comfort another racer that got
pulled and though that was out of the race as well and she was VERY
upset as well. Then we found out that we weren't out of the race, we HAD
to get out for safety because the ferry would've taken us under. We
could get back in and try again if we wanted to; so I got back in and
tried again!  I swam, and swam and swam for what it seemed like forever
and got...no place. How frustrating!  I couldn't even get to the next
buoy. So me and some other guy go back into the other boat. GAWD how
infuriating! Back to the beach we go to take the walk to return our
chip.
So I talked to a few teammates, Janet Chow, Rich and others. Walked up
to Coach Ed and Alexis saw the look on their faces; Ed walks up to me,
say's something like "Broughton turn the frown upside down!" So I did
because I listen to my coach <smile>.  He told me to get on my bike do
the course and treat this as a training day, so...I did!  I got on my
lovely bike that I love, because I didn't go there just to swim. I rode
that hilly ass course, I had ok nutrition, I stopped a few times for the
potty (aka good nutrition) I have to relax my neck on the bike though,
god my back and neck hurt! It got hot at about mile 40, otherwise the
weather was perfect.  I got back from my bike ride, got something to eat
then went for a run with Michele Tucker.  We run into Patti Jackson and
decided to stick with her to keep her company to her finish. THAT was a
HOT long, hilly 6 miles of run walking. 
So what I heard was that 100 people got pulled from that swim, and about
20 teammates. Some of the strongest swimmers had times like 55 minutes
for that 1.2 mile swim (that's almost double their time).  I checked my
watch while I was in the boat, I swam for 48 minutes and got nowhere.
It's not me. Its' not my lack of trying, training or otherwise.  It just
wasn't my day, I'm still waiting for my day but my say will come. When
that day comes it will be the sweetest day EVER.
Tune out the negative sounds around you.

Training for Ironman Florida.

I believe that I have been slacking on my blogging experience. Honestly I haven't had time and it will just get busier. Mondays I run, Tuesdays I swim in the AM and normally bike in the evening after work. Wednesday is a run day and Thursday IM's a AM swim and a PM bike; Friday I'm off (from training not work) Saturday and Sunday is long run and a long bike ride. In between that I work, eat, take care of my love of my life's Lilly and Maggie, and sleep. Oh yea, and life, life happens and it's stressful.
Today I swam, actually got up on time for the first time and got into the pool at 5:35am maybe 5:37 but I'm getting better and closer to being IN the pool AT 5:30 AM. I went to the bike ride tonight, got stuck in traffic and missed it. When rides start at 6:30 ill make those.
For now ... Goodnight.

Balancing life

I'm going to call this balancing life because I think I'm having a hard time with that right now with the changes that have been going on lately, great changes, but non the less they're changes. I've taken a break from triathlon this season, part by choice part not by choice. I've slugged back into old patterns, LOVE sleeping in, LOVE going home right after work. I have been active, spinning at work which I love, and running on weekends and when ever I feel enough energy to do so during the week. Which isn't really like me, from previous years. I need to and want to get my athlete schedule back, push through and "Just Do It". Then comes the migraines, and work and life you gotta fit in there. 
You need to do more then DREAM it and WANT it!!!  Just saying that I WANT to finish a Ironman for me, and the I DREAM about finishing a Ironman isn't enough...I need that mental toughness again, I NEED to get out there and DO IT, BELIEVE it and EAT it. I need to stop thinking that it will come, because everyone has bad runs and everyone gets tired and doesn't WANT to do something at some point during training they just get out and do it anyway. Even being a Back Of A Packer is fine, sure it might by harder to get it done, get faster or whatever the case may be but I try to think that it would make that finish line so much sweeter. I've lost some training buddies and I can't just lose my dream and my taste for the finish line, I've got to try to make new friends and sometimes get it done another way. Nobody but the body that I have is going to drag me over that finish line! Sure I cry when my friends cross the finish line and I am SO incredibly happy for them, but at the end of the day there body, mind and sole did the work and got it done and crossed that finish line. I think that is amazing and I wish I could be so fast and do so well, I just gotta do MY best.
I've done 3 half Ironman's and haven't finished anyone of them on time, that SUCKS because I worked HARD for each one of them, what's next? Trying again, that's what's next damn it!!! 
So was taking the break a good thing or a bad thing? Either way, I gotta start again and feel accomplished again. Have fun again, make some more friends and get it done!  I may have been tired as hell after the workout but at least I was tired for a reason. So as I tell myself to get going, get out of the depression and yucky feeling and get back out there. Try and TRI again. Balance life and do my best, remember the feeling of the finish line.I've got great friends, I'll get there. Florida will only be in my future if I get it together and do my work :-) This is partially what Team Z is for thank you!!! The help from family and friend also. Thank you, signed Getting it together again.
P.S. please look beyond typo's.

Emotional Eating...

...I wish that I didn't rely so much on food. I read that a food addiction (sugar to be specific) was like a heroin or alcohol addiction, I read it so it's got to be true right? It's totally with the wrong food though, it happens when I'm happy or when I'm sad or mad...you go to the easy comfort food. Why can't we get addicted to apples, salads, chicken, steak or tuna? Though I LOVE those things I do not go for them when I feel like I had a kick ass workout, or a bad day or a sad time. You have to train yourself, your brain....I KNOW what do to, how to eat, what to eat...it takes 3 days to ruin your good eating habits and it takes 14 days to create a new habit, a new or to get back to your healthy pattern. REALLY?!?!  For crying out loud, nothing's fun to eat anymore. Not a true statement...I just need to learn how to cook again, take the time and do it right because no body is going to do it right for me! Just because I don't look like the girl that I want to look like yet, doesn't mean that it will never happen, I just have to look closer to what I'm doing. It will be a lot easier to slip back to what I WAS but why would I want to do that....I wasn't happy then either! I think I like fixing myself...I like knowing what to do and doing it...it's the starting it that I don't like doing. I love running, I like swimming now, and I LOVE my bike! I love feeling great, I hate being sad, I love when I'm positive and friendly, I hate when I'm bitch to EVERYONE. I don't like hating the world...so I need to get it together one day at a time so I can get my bikini body and my fun mood back. I'm not doing this for anyone else, nobody else is going to appreciate my hard work, nobody else see's ME in the mirror. I might not ever be as small as I think that I should be or as small as the person that I look up to but I want to like my body in the mirror, I want to be strong, look strong and act strong...confident.  I need to have goals...
So I'm not Ironman ready like most of my friends, I don't run 4 hour marathons like my brother who ran his FIRST marathon in 4 hours...what the fuck EVER...I do it and I should be proud of that, but I've always compared myself to my brother, athletic wise...don't ask me why...I've tried to have/get a brother sister relationship with him for about 30 years now, why not try to be as fit as him too (I'm rolling my eyes BIG time). When was I ever taught to compare myself to everyone? I have NO idea, it irritated me. GOAL'S...right...that was the point of the paragraph. So I've been doing races and triathlons for 5 years, with every year getting better and moving up in race distances and now I stuck trying to REALLY get that Half Ironman on time, trying to get better in my marathon distance....and I'm getting better, just not at the speed that I'd like to be getting better. That just means that my finish line tastes better then the fasties (fast-easy) finish line.  So what finish lines will I be crossing in 2012? I like to chose a marathon, 2 half's (triathlon) and Luray weekend (1 sprint and 1 oly triathlon) and finish each and EVERY one of them. It's a big goal and very challenging with my limitations but I think that it can be done, it would have been done last year but last year just wasn't my year or good races. I'm counting on this year being better. Yeap I'll need some help but I have a great family and awesome friends, I'm looking forward to meeting new friends and getting faster with existing friends (that comment is for Michele Tucker, whom I should nickname Road Runner).
So I think this blog has successfully bounced around a bit...and that's only PART of my thoughts...YIKES!! I'm not re-reading this like I probably should, please except my flaws, thank you.
I WILL become an Ironman at some point in my life, it's just going to take more time :-(

Waterman's Half Ironman 10/8/11 Race Report (long)

Sometimes over analyzing things is just not a good thing. Comparing races, not a good thing either. This whole weekend I was thinking how awesome it was to have made the bike cut off and then this morning saw the race results. Thinking of my past Half Ironman races, and times/results. It's unrealistic trying to compare. I got a little upset when I saw the results and did the math but then I thought to myself *"stop over analyzing everything!! I did MUCH better on my swim, I did a bit better on my bike and I did better on the run so shut up and enjoy the fact that I finished!"* First of all *I* am NOT everyone else, I am Kerry and I put in a LOT of hard work and a LOT of energy into my training just like everyone else, so I'm slower than some people; I'm faster than some also.  99% of America can't do what I do. So maybe sometimes I feel like I'm not Ironman material and others think that I'm not Ironman material, but gosh darn it, I am NOT a quitter!  I dig deep into my inner strength and pull a finish out when it is possible and safe to do so.

So if I maybe start comparing me to ME, then I'm faster, stronger and smarter than the ME that I was a year ago. I'm not faster than my Ironman friends and I may not ever be able to keep up with them but most of the time I'm beating MY record. I have to remind myself of this constantly and it's very irritating.  I'm tired of being the underdog but hey, a underdog is better than a lazy-dog (bud-um-bum!). It's lonely out there by yourself and it sucks to think that this is my 3 half Ironman and it doesn't even count on the 'books', but *I* know I finished, my friends and family know that I finished; in the end, that's what counts (though I'd still like them to count on the books, who am I kidding). Sometimes you gotta tune out the negative things friends and family are telling you and just believe in your inner strength.  If YOU believe you can do it, and you want it bad enough then you will do it, even if you're a little bit slower than what they think you should be. Listen to the positive things people are saying, it's hard to do, believe me I struggle with this EVERY day, but in the end the positive is going to bring you up and closer to your goal than the negative (unless of course the negative just pisses you off so bad that it puts a fire in your pants and make you want it (a finish) that much more!).

The day before the race Johanna and I drove up the Indian Head Md. to packet pick up and to get a good nights rest (or not) before the race. We got to the park in plenty of time, got our packet, visited the Team then went to dinner and then to the hotel to get ready and chill out. YES, plenty of time, in bed by 8:30, watching TV trying to go to sleep. I felt the water that day so I knew that it was cold, I don't deal well with being cold. I knew it was going to be cold that morning and I was freaking out. FREAKING OUT!! Could I get to sleep, NO of course not. I was telling myself that I'll be fine just go to sleep, that didn't work, I was up at 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, and with the alarm at 4. I felt sick to my stomach, SO sick!  I couldn't really eat, but I did because Johanna told me to, I got dressed and crawled back into bed. Johanna: "CLAP CLAP you may NOT go back to bed, get UP! Do we need to do some positive thinking exercises?"  Secretly I was not liking her so much at that time, after all nobody would know or care if I just skipped this and stayed in bed all day...YES they would, they may not care but *I* would, I'm not a quitter!!!!

On the drive to the race site I don't remember much talking going on. We got there with no problem, get our stuff out, take stuff to transition, go to the bike maintenance guy because naturally something was wrong with my breaks. I remember everything going smoothly, freakishly smoothly. I had time to go stare at the water and have a quiet moment alone to think, pray, breath and cry to calm down. Then on goes my wet suite with a little help, thanks Marta. Down to the dock I go. Sit on the dock and push off, PLUNK in the water, I REALLY wish that I had not touched the bottom of that lake, ACK gross!!!! Yup the water was cold, yup it took my breath away and it took a minute to catch myself but I did it quicker than I though I would by talking myself through it. The horn went off and I swam...I did not freak out, I did not panic, I swam and swam and swam and did not stop until I get to the finish (except to pee because oddly enough I still cant swim and pee at the same time-TMI whatever, LOL) and to get untangled from the forest I was swimming in at times. Alexis was there as I got out of the water, I heard a few people and I just got faster, "swim swim SWIM faster" I told myself. Alexis says "You made it! Come on lets jog up this hill." . I hugged Coach Ed at the top like I didn't want to let go, i was so excited my swim went well.

T1 went well, getting the wet suite off is a bitch!

I got on my bike and off I went. Johanna and I were playing cat and mouse for a while there, I'd get in front of her, she'd get in front of me, it was fun. I'm not sure where I lost her but I just had to go, get faster and make that cut off. No stopping, no slacking...pain is only temporary!! I kept running through my head, when it hurt I tried to push harder, when I was uncomfortable I just said that "this is temporary just go!" most of the time that worked. I was pretty pissed that when I got to the mile 40 that it was ONLY miles 40!!!  I did well on my way back but I was hoping that there were no more up hill, then I'd run into a up hill, DAMN IT! Oh well I pushed, I knew I could do it and I did. When I got back to transition I asked the guy if I made the cut off and he said yes, I asked by "how much by like 2 minutes?" he said "yes, you still have time to run so go."
"YES!!!" I thought to myself.

T2 went well. Smoothly I think.

Off on my run I go. My legs didn't want to work but I knew that If I just kept going my legs would follow, lol. I talked to people, teammates, cheered people on and I think I ran most of the first loop, I felt good, shockingly. I might have just been damn happy to be off that bike.. The second loop 'not so much' I missed the first loop cut off.  One of my teammates says "your cut off, do you want to keep going, it will be unsupported?" I didn't want to be nice but I just said "Yes, I want to finish.". So I went off and ran my second loop. I had a few ups and downs, had some good conversation with myself, saw some HOT helpful guys, HOT! HOT! HOT (which made the bad times easier! About a mile and a half from the finish line Patty Glass comes riding down. I'm glad I had someone to talk to but I'd kinda tired of being rescued I thought but that's what this time is about and someday it will be ME rescuing someone, pay it forward. Just not this time. We talked and walked and  I tried to run some more. Finally we where by the finish line for another unforgettable finish with awesome team members. I have got to start looking up and remember who it was that finish line for me to let them know how much I appreciate them being there. I wasnt expecting to be able to run through the shoot to get a finish medal but Ed said keep going, so I did, I got my medal and got to give a huge thank you to them for being here for me. There was great help even after I got my medal. The Set Up Events group is really awesome. Team Z is really awesome!!! Always there for you no matter when you finish.

So after not eating real food for 9 hours and moving your body for 9 hours trying to get to the finish line, make sure you eat SLOWLY when you get that first piece of pizza or whatever...can you say nausea! In fact just eat super slowly for the next day or two!  Even though I didn't finish on time again, I still finished, it still counts. Maybe not on the books but I'm not doing this to win anything, make any records or to impress anyone but myself (anyone else that wants to be impressed with me, feel free, LOL)..  I've had a bad season this season but with this finish at the end of the year/season I sure have had a GREAT training summer and some good training races. I've got to remember these good times when I'm having a bad day and want to sink into a hole. My name is Kerry and I have done 3 half Ironman triathlons and finished 2 of them, I'm ok with that!

What are YOU good at?

1. Eating things that I shouldn't
2. Drinking 
3. Being lazy
4. Self destruction putting myself down
5. Negativity 
6. Seeing my faults 

This is what depression (stupid depression!!!) does to you, always seeing the bad, being exhausted,  rather sleep than do what you actually like doing on a normal day. Sucking the life out of you and annoying everyone around you (me). How do you get out of this feeling? You get something to help and hope that it helps...apparently it takes a while. This weekend and last weekend was two bad training weekends, this weekend worse than last weekend. At least last weekend I got my 60 mile bike ride in, I haven't felt like running, mostly because my body hurts but I missed two pretty big runs that now I have to try to make up.What's worse is that another person told me that "You can't do that, it's too much for you...why don't you go back to sprints and Olympics?". Oh yea, that helps, thanks. I hope that my 'help' kicks in quick because I'm tired of not knowing why I am tired, seriously I go to bed at 9 and still oversleep...and on the weekend I got to bed early, sleep kinda late and go back for a nap. Where normally, I get up early run miles and or bike miles, get back have lunch and a shower and then MAYBE take a nap.

This week is the third week that I stayed out of the candy bowl at work, being a sugar-holic is another issue I have (read: eating things that I shouldn't) two weeks of being angry and irritated because I haven't had any sugar and by the third week I wanted even thinking about it. This weekend I had a cup cake and a muffin and felt bad about it :-/ it was YUMMY but I'm not sure that it was worth it.

Always being the short, slow, fat girl: No matter what I do, how much I do or what I eat; the more I do the hungrier I get, and I crave carbs (bread, pasta) and I always combine it with protein but I'm still not the short, fast, skinny girl. I hate seeing pictures of me because I might do more than others but I sure don't look like it.  It is SO frustrating!!! Why did I get the depression, overeating, fat, self esteem problem gene? My brothers the fit, blond hair blue eyed, tall 'can do' anything guy...gene. Whatever! I'm fine.

...But where the hell is my happy, energized, LOVE to run girl?  Runners are happy, healthy LOVELY human beings!!

Still trying to 'find yourself'?...

Some people find there self at 20, some at 30. I'm not exactly a natural when it comes to (anything but being sarcastic) being athletic. I tried soccer when I was little but I wasn't good so the coach never put me in, I tried gymnastics but I'm not really sure what happened there either, so I became a couch potato. I wish I had stuck with something throughout my school years because it sure would help me now. You know when you try and you try but something seems to always get in your way, so you try to find another way and sometimes you just think..."maybe this isn't for me."  Why does my body only know how to get better at a freaking SNAILS pace? I have no clue but I'm getting damn frustrated I'm telling you. Sure I have all of my limbs, new parts yes but they just don't show, so I KNOW I can do it. There is no reason why I can't do this. Plus, what else is there to do....get lazy?...that is NOT a option I've worked to damn hard for this. I just want to be as good and fast as my friends, to be able to keep up. I'm tired of getting smoked at everything!

I'm good at being slow and inefficient but I want to be BETTER at being efficient and fast (er). I'm just not sure when that will happen.