Waterman's Half Ironman 10/8/11 Race Report (long)

Sometimes over analyzing things is just not a good thing. Comparing races, not a good thing either. This whole weekend I was thinking how awesome it was to have made the bike cut off and then this morning saw the race results. Thinking of my past Half Ironman races, and times/results. It's unrealistic trying to compare. I got a little upset when I saw the results and did the math but then I thought to myself *"stop over analyzing everything!! I did MUCH better on my swim, I did a bit better on my bike and I did better on the run so shut up and enjoy the fact that I finished!"* First of all *I* am NOT everyone else, I am Kerry and I put in a LOT of hard work and a LOT of energy into my training just like everyone else, so I'm slower than some people; I'm faster than some also.  99% of America can't do what I do. So maybe sometimes I feel like I'm not Ironman material and others think that I'm not Ironman material, but gosh darn it, I am NOT a quitter!  I dig deep into my inner strength and pull a finish out when it is possible and safe to do so.

So if I maybe start comparing me to ME, then I'm faster, stronger and smarter than the ME that I was a year ago. I'm not faster than my Ironman friends and I may not ever be able to keep up with them but most of the time I'm beating MY record. I have to remind myself of this constantly and it's very irritating.  I'm tired of being the underdog but hey, a underdog is better than a lazy-dog (bud-um-bum!). It's lonely out there by yourself and it sucks to think that this is my 3 half Ironman and it doesn't even count on the 'books', but *I* know I finished, my friends and family know that I finished; in the end, that's what counts (though I'd still like them to count on the books, who am I kidding). Sometimes you gotta tune out the negative things friends and family are telling you and just believe in your inner strength.  If YOU believe you can do it, and you want it bad enough then you will do it, even if you're a little bit slower than what they think you should be. Listen to the positive things people are saying, it's hard to do, believe me I struggle with this EVERY day, but in the end the positive is going to bring you up and closer to your goal than the negative (unless of course the negative just pisses you off so bad that it puts a fire in your pants and make you want it (a finish) that much more!).

The day before the race Johanna and I drove up the Indian Head Md. to packet pick up and to get a good nights rest (or not) before the race. We got to the park in plenty of time, got our packet, visited the Team then went to dinner and then to the hotel to get ready and chill out. YES, plenty of time, in bed by 8:30, watching TV trying to go to sleep. I felt the water that day so I knew that it was cold, I don't deal well with being cold. I knew it was going to be cold that morning and I was freaking out. FREAKING OUT!! Could I get to sleep, NO of course not. I was telling myself that I'll be fine just go to sleep, that didn't work, I was up at 11, 12, 1, 2, 3, and with the alarm at 4. I felt sick to my stomach, SO sick!  I couldn't really eat, but I did because Johanna told me to, I got dressed and crawled back into bed. Johanna: "CLAP CLAP you may NOT go back to bed, get UP! Do we need to do some positive thinking exercises?"  Secretly I was not liking her so much at that time, after all nobody would know or care if I just skipped this and stayed in bed all day...YES they would, they may not care but *I* would, I'm not a quitter!!!!

On the drive to the race site I don't remember much talking going on. We got there with no problem, get our stuff out, take stuff to transition, go to the bike maintenance guy because naturally something was wrong with my breaks. I remember everything going smoothly, freakishly smoothly. I had time to go stare at the water and have a quiet moment alone to think, pray, breath and cry to calm down. Then on goes my wet suite with a little help, thanks Marta. Down to the dock I go. Sit on the dock and push off, PLUNK in the water, I REALLY wish that I had not touched the bottom of that lake, ACK gross!!!! Yup the water was cold, yup it took my breath away and it took a minute to catch myself but I did it quicker than I though I would by talking myself through it. The horn went off and I swam...I did not freak out, I did not panic, I swam and swam and swam and did not stop until I get to the finish (except to pee because oddly enough I still cant swim and pee at the same time-TMI whatever, LOL) and to get untangled from the forest I was swimming in at times. Alexis was there as I got out of the water, I heard a few people and I just got faster, "swim swim SWIM faster" I told myself. Alexis says "You made it! Come on lets jog up this hill." . I hugged Coach Ed at the top like I didn't want to let go, i was so excited my swim went well.

T1 went well, getting the wet suite off is a bitch!

I got on my bike and off I went. Johanna and I were playing cat and mouse for a while there, I'd get in front of her, she'd get in front of me, it was fun. I'm not sure where I lost her but I just had to go, get faster and make that cut off. No stopping, no slacking...pain is only temporary!! I kept running through my head, when it hurt I tried to push harder, when I was uncomfortable I just said that "this is temporary just go!" most of the time that worked. I was pretty pissed that when I got to the mile 40 that it was ONLY miles 40!!!  I did well on my way back but I was hoping that there were no more up hill, then I'd run into a up hill, DAMN IT! Oh well I pushed, I knew I could do it and I did. When I got back to transition I asked the guy if I made the cut off and he said yes, I asked by "how much by like 2 minutes?" he said "yes, you still have time to run so go."
"YES!!!" I thought to myself.

T2 went well. Smoothly I think.

Off on my run I go. My legs didn't want to work but I knew that If I just kept going my legs would follow, lol. I talked to people, teammates, cheered people on and I think I ran most of the first loop, I felt good, shockingly. I might have just been damn happy to be off that bike.. The second loop 'not so much' I missed the first loop cut off.  One of my teammates says "your cut off, do you want to keep going, it will be unsupported?" I didn't want to be nice but I just said "Yes, I want to finish.". So I went off and ran my second loop. I had a few ups and downs, had some good conversation with myself, saw some HOT helpful guys, HOT! HOT! HOT (which made the bad times easier! About a mile and a half from the finish line Patty Glass comes riding down. I'm glad I had someone to talk to but I'd kinda tired of being rescued I thought but that's what this time is about and someday it will be ME rescuing someone, pay it forward. Just not this time. We talked and walked and  I tried to run some more. Finally we where by the finish line for another unforgettable finish with awesome team members. I have got to start looking up and remember who it was that finish line for me to let them know how much I appreciate them being there. I wasnt expecting to be able to run through the shoot to get a finish medal but Ed said keep going, so I did, I got my medal and got to give a huge thank you to them for being here for me. There was great help even after I got my medal. The Set Up Events group is really awesome. Team Z is really awesome!!! Always there for you no matter when you finish.

So after not eating real food for 9 hours and moving your body for 9 hours trying to get to the finish line, make sure you eat SLOWLY when you get that first piece of pizza or whatever...can you say nausea! In fact just eat super slowly for the next day or two!  Even though I didn't finish on time again, I still finished, it still counts. Maybe not on the books but I'm not doing this to win anything, make any records or to impress anyone but myself (anyone else that wants to be impressed with me, feel free, LOL)..  I've had a bad season this season but with this finish at the end of the year/season I sure have had a GREAT training summer and some good training races. I've got to remember these good times when I'm having a bad day and want to sink into a hole. My name is Kerry and I have done 3 half Ironman triathlons and finished 2 of them, I'm ok with that!

What are YOU good at?

1. Eating things that I shouldn't
2. Drinking 
3. Being lazy
4. Self destruction putting myself down
5. Negativity 
6. Seeing my faults 

This is what depression (stupid depression!!!) does to you, always seeing the bad, being exhausted,  rather sleep than do what you actually like doing on a normal day. Sucking the life out of you and annoying everyone around you (me). How do you get out of this feeling? You get something to help and hope that it helps...apparently it takes a while. This weekend and last weekend was two bad training weekends, this weekend worse than last weekend. At least last weekend I got my 60 mile bike ride in, I haven't felt like running, mostly because my body hurts but I missed two pretty big runs that now I have to try to make up.What's worse is that another person told me that "You can't do that, it's too much for you...why don't you go back to sprints and Olympics?". Oh yea, that helps, thanks. I hope that my 'help' kicks in quick because I'm tired of not knowing why I am tired, seriously I go to bed at 9 and still oversleep...and on the weekend I got to bed early, sleep kinda late and go back for a nap. Where normally, I get up early run miles and or bike miles, get back have lunch and a shower and then MAYBE take a nap.

This week is the third week that I stayed out of the candy bowl at work, being a sugar-holic is another issue I have (read: eating things that I shouldn't) two weeks of being angry and irritated because I haven't had any sugar and by the third week I wanted even thinking about it. This weekend I had a cup cake and a muffin and felt bad about it :-/ it was YUMMY but I'm not sure that it was worth it.

Always being the short, slow, fat girl: No matter what I do, how much I do or what I eat; the more I do the hungrier I get, and I crave carbs (bread, pasta) and I always combine it with protein but I'm still not the short, fast, skinny girl. I hate seeing pictures of me because I might do more than others but I sure don't look like it.  It is SO frustrating!!! Why did I get the depression, overeating, fat, self esteem problem gene? My brothers the fit, blond hair blue eyed, tall 'can do' anything guy...gene. Whatever! I'm fine.

...But where the hell is my happy, energized, LOVE to run girl?  Runners are happy, healthy LOVELY human beings!!

Still trying to 'find yourself'?...

Some people find there self at 20, some at 30. I'm not exactly a natural when it comes to (anything but being sarcastic) being athletic. I tried soccer when I was little but I wasn't good so the coach never put me in, I tried gymnastics but I'm not really sure what happened there either, so I became a couch potato. I wish I had stuck with something throughout my school years because it sure would help me now. You know when you try and you try but something seems to always get in your way, so you try to find another way and sometimes you just think..."maybe this isn't for me."  Why does my body only know how to get better at a freaking SNAILS pace? I have no clue but I'm getting damn frustrated I'm telling you. Sure I have all of my limbs, new parts yes but they just don't show, so I KNOW I can do it. There is no reason why I can't do this. Plus, what else is there to do....get lazy?...that is NOT a option I've worked to damn hard for this. I just want to be as good and fast as my friends, to be able to keep up. I'm tired of getting smoked at everything!

I'm good at being slow and inefficient but I want to be BETTER at being efficient and fast (er). I'm just not sure when that will happen.

There is no time for dating...

...is what I tell myself. If it were not for disappointment we wouldn't feel the achievement we were so meant to feel ... how sweet it is! Is also what I tell myself. It's true, though we never want to go through the embarrassing, gut wrenching, awful times but where would we be if everything was just given to us. I think of this year of mine, this past winter I gained a little bit of weight, as many do in the winter, I got in a ridiculously stupid, furiously situation that pisses me off just about every day but have to realize that you have to have tears to enjoy the laughs, and I've had 2 DNF's (again!) this year with training and concentrating on my weaknesses,  swimming 1.5 miles for every weekend for about 7 weeks and swimming during the week; biking as much as I can doing hill work and following as close as possible for me to the schedule. Still when you do the work, when your a good person and when you think your doing the right thing, things are STILL going to suck sometimes and it's just not going to be your day, your night or your race.

Learn to rely on others....

...Sounds easy huh!? Not when you don't like asking for help, not when your trying to be so independent and not when you like your own time to do what you want and when you want to do it. When you lose your license or you limited to what you can do on your own you lose part of yourself. Yea sure it sounds silly until it's YOU would it's happening too. You have to talk to people you don't know, you have to make new friends and you have to 'put yourself out there' and then the questions come and you have to answer them. I'm not good at talking people that I don't know, I'm not good at meeting new friends and I'm not good relying on others or patients. I'm just not good at it! Nobody like to feel or be vulnerable (sp?). I'm not out spoken and I don't like introducing myself...it scares the hell out of me...I don't like being judged and I try so so hard not to judge others (unless I'm at Wal-Mart and your asking for it).  I try hard to avoid disappointment and this is why I don't like asking people for help...usually people don't have a goal to disappoint others I get that but have you ever tried to plan your weekend around someone else schedule or a few other people, you gotta just roll with it. BUT in saying all of that, I've met some awesome people (what judgments do they have on me make me nervous!), I've had some pretty awesome training rides and learned a lot about myself, like I CAN follow a cue sheet, craziness! I should learn how to carry more fluid. The friends that I've had before this crap have been great and there for me when I've needed them but I still don't want them to feel that I'm taking advantage of them so I do what I can for them ...I don't know what else to say, I don't feel as though I have enough or do enough for them. I don't have much.

Blogging therapy...

...Some people don't believe in it (I'm one of them) and some people are a closed book. Well, I'm not a closed book, well duh, not NOW. I'm afraid of offending people, but my friends will understand what I'm saying and I'm just me. So why in the world  do I care so much if others like me, or approve or even understand me? I ask me this all of he time, maybe this year will help me not care or at least care a little less. Maybe everyone does care they just don't show it, or write it in a blog. They certainly don't show it, or show there insecurity as much as I feel like I do. I feel like a 15 year old standing in the corner of a dance waiting for someone to ask me to dance most of the time, it's really uncomfortable. I know I'm a fun, goofy interesting person I just have to show it sometimes, get out of my shell and negativity. I wander like I don't know where to go some times, or what conversation I want to get into, ugh its totally weird and uncomfortable but I don't know what to do about it. I don't like crowds, which is ironic sense I'm in a very large group of triathletes, but I have my few friends and I'm good with that, until there not there and I don't have anyone else to talk to....here's a thought...talk to someone else...uh...everyone seems to have there group and know everyone else and I don't want to jump in the middle and make a idiot of myself...so I wait for others to talk to me, ya I know...not the way to be.

Focus on the good....

...Not the bad. It takes time and concentration. Don't say something or think something positive and follow it with a negative....that's totally counterproductive!!!  Say something positive and stick with it damn it!!!!  Bzzzzt....but NOTHING...stick with it!!!!! I am a single 36 year old, fabulous female with a huge, loving heart who is very proud of herself, what I've accomplishments thus far and down to earth and would love to be able to share it with someone with the same attributes (and who can help me get to cross the IRONMAN finish line)...


(PS. I'm not re-reading this, except my flaws :-) and love me anyway.)

So many thoughts....

You know how sometimes you want to write some things down but you don't
know where to start because you have so many thoughts and feeling that are just jumping around you think, where or how do I start? You want to write because talking about it just seems repetitive and your tired of talking about  yourself, but your also tired of being sad, mad and just plain upset and you really don't know why this feeling won't go away.

1. This does not define me

2. I do not NEED a guy

3. Most of the time I AM very proud of myself

4. I have awesome/amazing friends and family

5. My thoughts jump around a LOT

6. Some times I just need help getting out of my depression hole

7. I don't deal with change well

8. I am ready for a real good relationship

9. It sucks when all of your ex's are getting married, to the girl after you.

10. Why do I care so much what everyone ELSE thinks of this blog, what I'm thinking or feeling? I'm a great person and if they are true friends they wont judge me on what you say so much, they know the real you/me already.

11. I think my mind needs some ADHD meds

12. I love how I feel after I finish a race!

I have asked myself this question several times lately; "When did I become SO sad and unhappy?" The answer: 2007.  When I thought I had it all and it all diminished and then finally ended badly, and who ended it and why did I have such a touch year and why can't I shake it, get over it, move on? Well it's not just one thing, all in the same year I broke up with my long time boyfriend with good reason, I shattered my elbow my first season with my triathlon team, I had my gallbladder removed, and lost my best friend because of miss communication and stubbornness (I guess). Things just sucked and I didn't understand why it was happening to me...but why NOT me, why am I so special that this wouldn't happen to me? BUT DAMN IT, haven't I had enough crap happen to me from little girl until now... well girl, I tell myself, I AM a stronger person because of this. I am such a understanding person, I'm the one who say's "don't make fun of them, or laugh at them, it's not their fault, they're trying..." "Don't hurt that person or hurt their feelings just because they pissed on you. (figuratively speaking)" . Why am I like that you may ask...because I was that girl all my life (in school) being picked apart and made fun
of. So ya, I'm damn strong. So why do I still cry at the drop of a hat about things that I have no control over, or because I tried so hard for 'this' and didn't accomplish it on my first, second or third try. I don't know! I want so bad to have that relationship again where I am so comfortable to be my goofy self and don't have to put up some kind of front, to be able to bounce my thoughts off and get feedback or to go to Home Depot with and do home improvements with. My friends ask me if I ever meet people on my team that I'd be interested in, well YES, yes I
have, but I never seem to be there type (which is fine, I guess ha ha)
or something; or my favorite answer to my friends is YES I do but by the
time you are done with your training or your race I look like dog poo on
the bottom of someone's shoe and who wants to go out with THAT (rofl). I
may not be the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest (though I would not
agree J/K) or the fastest athlete but I'm a damn good person, I try hard
for everything I have and know what hard work and persistence is and I
don't think that I've had anything handed to me, and I don't think that
anything SHOULD be handed to anyone for that matter.
Now, if you still reading this I don't want you to think that I don't
like myself, or that I am not confident, sure I don't like my pictures
and I wish that I was a little smaller, stronger and faster but that's
not going to happen overnight (I have come to that reality)  and
honestly if I sit back and think about it...I am smaller, stronger and
faster, just not if I compare myself to others that are smaller,
stronger or faster than ME, but I am all that from a year ago and
definitely from the start of this triathlon experience/addiction.
This past weekend someone told me to stop contradicting myself, I say
something good about me and then follow it with something bad or
something that I could have done better. I'm going to need a lot of
practice with that! 
So my come back from 2007 is that I have a great job, I can pretty much
straighten my arm with my new elbow, and I'm doing half IRONMAN's
(Ironmen just doesn't sound right :-/) I am attempting them and I'm
hoping that the third time is a charm, because I'm trying and I'm
training I'm taking and using advice and I don't want to back down
because that makes me feel like a failure, I WILL do this, I CAN do
this, I CAN do this! Oh how I will feel crossing that finish line on (or
close to) on time while the finish line still up and when it WILL be counted on 'the books'. There is no reason why I can't do this. For crying out loud when
my friends cross the finish line *I* CRY, ask me if I want this...I want
to be extraordinary ok sure I want to keep up with my friends too but I
want this for me and I want to say that I am an IRONMAN someday...hell
right now I like saying that I am a half Ironman even though it took
nine and a half hours :-P  Not everyone does this and I think that's why
I like it so much. I want to date someone too but I've given up on the
stupid online shit because I hate meeting people for the first time and
I hate wondering if he's really going to look like his picture or if
he's going to end up being a crazy lazy man. I want to meet someone face
to face, hang out and then start dating, no pressure there. I don't know
when that will happen I just hope it does. 

I also would like that friendship back but I don't think it would ever
be the same. I loved that friendship and I trusted that friendship, we
were sounding boards for one another but we've both changed and moved
on.

This year is going to be challenging too...I seem to be on the 4 year
plan, every 4th year is just really tough for me. Life is just plan
unfair sometimes (or so it seems). 

My grandparents and aunt who are in heave would be so proud and I miss them, I think about them often.

Yes I know you can not live in the past, that's not what I'm trying to do.

Onward and upward

I got back from vacation/work conference in San Diego Cali, what an awesome time!!! I did well at taking my Advocare, except for that last couple of day's (2), I took them but maybe not quite on time as I should have. Also due to the time change and stuff my body is all off, BUT I have not weighed or measured myself, I've just been taking the stuff. I got my second 24 day challenge kit and more MNS Max 3. That should last for a while. During my time in Cali I worked out, started running again, mixed it up with some elliptical and went to Crossfit Pride while I was there. I also walked a lot and went rock/ledge climbing. I think that I have decided that I'm not going to measure or weigh myself for a while...like maybe never again, every time I do I don't get what I want so I'll just go by how my cloths fit and how I feel, like everyone keeps telling me. Maybe at the beginning of the summer? I have to say though, my favorite product is the ProBiotic RESTORE™ ULTRA, those of you who have tummy problems and can't go some times, your feel like a new person after ProBiotics, I promise. I even felt pretty good on my travels, anyway y'all know. So that's what I've been up to. 

Thanks for reading. Feel free to add your comments below.

Day 24...

Lets call today....numbers. Why? You may ask. Because I'm going to give you my numbers. Today is 24 of my 24 day challenge and day 7 of catalyst. Now you all know that I have been eating as healthy as possible, 80/20. Not as 'clean' as some would like but this/that taken time and I'm not going to deprive myself just to go binge later. Some may be able to go 'cold turkey' but I'm not that turkey :-) 

Today I'm only down 2 pounds, that's disappointing. Enough said about that.  My body fat numbers go something like this:

1. 3-24-10  29.3%
2. 4-29-10  28.1%
3. 6-20-10  27.8%
4. 12-22-10  30.3%
5. 1-12-11  29.5%

I guess my half Ironman Triathlon helped me in June huh?!  I really can't explain these numbers, but if anyone can, let me know. It's like I'm yo-yo dieting or something. I've been to the doctor and everything is normal, I'm totally healthy. What the HELL? Is what I'm thinking. Apparently my body is missing something. I could eat totally healthy, 100% clean and workout 6 days a week and still gain weight and not gain any muscle. Problem? I think SO!!!

I'm going to do the cleans again, after I do just the MNS MAX3 for the next month, and continue the Catalyst.

Maybe next post I'll have better news....'til then.....

Day 19

Welcome to day 19 of the 24 day challenge. Day 9 of the MNS Max 3, 6 day's after my last post. I've gone up, I've gone down. I've had AWESOME workouts, gone up in all of my workout weights. Unfortunately I have to stay OFF the scale and have to 'turn off' my sweet tooth, mentally STOP, physically STOP, just stop! Spark and SLAM help keep me energized and engaged (except for period day's! Which totally KILLED me.) I eat better meals and I feel better and stronger. Next week should even be better. Speaking of getting stronger, let me tell you a little bit about that. I started CFW a year and a half ago not being able to do much of anything. I was active, I was a triathlete after all and still on my weight loss road, still at the beginning of my weight loss road and recovering from 2 surgeries. I was doing overhead arm work with a PVC pipe. One year later...I'm going arm overhead workouts with a 35 pound bar and keep up with most of the class. Moving on to today I'm doing overhead arm workouts with the 35 pound bar WITH weight on the bar :-) this week I moved up in weight, from a 6 pound wall ball to a 10 pound wall ball, and now I'm swinging the 35 pound Kettle Bell, sure I have to work on my swing and confidence in getting it straight up, but I'm workin' it! I started swinging a 20 pound free weight. So I'm getting stronger, slowly but surely!!  

I started Catalyst two day's ago. I hear it work amazingly! I got to give it more than 3 day's though :-/  I'm eating the 80/20 plan. If I'm going to be honest on my blag, I eat 80/20. Healthy 80% of the time and 20% maybe not so great, though I got to say, the worst thing that I'm eating is the few pieces of chocolate and when I cut that out......umm well, honestly I just have to cut that down because if I cut it OUT I'm going to be even more of a bitch then I already can be. NOBODY wants that to happen. Sorry!


Let's see how the next few day's go. With AdvoCare. This blog could very easily become a diary of my life, feelings and emotions...but it's about my health, weight loss and getting stronger (which could lead to a stronger emotional/confident...) person.  


Thanks for reading. See ya in a few day's.

Day 13 Happy New Year!!!!!

I started the next step on Thursday. Today I am three day's into the MNS3, when I started I was at work and on my normal schedule with breakfast lunch and dinner. Thursday went great. Friday I had off from work because of New Years eve and had a few things to do during the day. I took my first packet 30 minutes before breakfast and then had my normal meal replacement and coffee with the two last packets of vitamins and went along with my day and put my packet for 30 minutes before lunch in my pocket. Well traffic was bad and things took a little longer then I thought and I wasn't hungry so I didn't stop for lunch and I ran out of water to take the packets (of which I JUST now remembered that I have water in the back of my truck :-/) so I started to feel nauseous and then started to feel nauseous AND hungry, that's a interesting feeling (yuck). So after all my stuff was done I stop by and got some lunch (pho, nam, Vietnamese soup, my favorite!) to bring home and it took me another 30 minutes to get home, damn traffic! So by the time I got home and some food in me I felt awful! I did take the packet about 20 minutes before lunch but just had to eat then. I took a nap after I ate and I felt better when I woke up. I got ready to go out to a New Years party and ate fruit while getting ready so I wouldn't feel nauseous. I didn't eat a real dinner because I knew there was going to be food and alcohol at the party and I knew I eat there. And I felt better as the night went on.

This morning I did the same thing and still felt nauseous, I ate some soup and now I feel a little better but still feel funny. I guess I should eat something. Some lunch maybe, after I finish typing here.

Apparently I have a better eating schedule at work :-/ 

Well that's all for now.

Happy New Year!!!  1-1-11, such a cool date :-)