There is no time for dating...

...is what I tell myself. If it were not for disappointment we wouldn't feel the achievement we were so meant to feel ... how sweet it is! Is also what I tell myself. It's true, though we never want to go through the embarrassing, gut wrenching, awful times but where would we be if everything was just given to us. I think of this year of mine, this past winter I gained a little bit of weight, as many do in the winter, I got in a ridiculously stupid, furiously situation that pisses me off just about every day but have to realize that you have to have tears to enjoy the laughs, and I've had 2 DNF's (again!) this year with training and concentrating on my weaknesses,  swimming 1.5 miles for every weekend for about 7 weeks and swimming during the week; biking as much as I can doing hill work and following as close as possible for me to the schedule. Still when you do the work, when your a good person and when you think your doing the right thing, things are STILL going to suck sometimes and it's just not going to be your day, your night or your race.

Learn to rely on others....

...Sounds easy huh!? Not when you don't like asking for help, not when your trying to be so independent and not when you like your own time to do what you want and when you want to do it. When you lose your license or you limited to what you can do on your own you lose part of yourself. Yea sure it sounds silly until it's YOU would it's happening too. You have to talk to people you don't know, you have to make new friends and you have to 'put yourself out there' and then the questions come and you have to answer them. I'm not good at talking people that I don't know, I'm not good at meeting new friends and I'm not good relying on others or patients. I'm just not good at it! Nobody like to feel or be vulnerable (sp?). I'm not out spoken and I don't like introducing myself...it scares the hell out of me...I don't like being judged and I try so so hard not to judge others (unless I'm at Wal-Mart and your asking for it).  I try hard to avoid disappointment and this is why I don't like asking people for help...usually people don't have a goal to disappoint others I get that but have you ever tried to plan your weekend around someone else schedule or a few other people, you gotta just roll with it. BUT in saying all of that, I've met some awesome people (what judgments do they have on me make me nervous!), I've had some pretty awesome training rides and learned a lot about myself, like I CAN follow a cue sheet, craziness! I should learn how to carry more fluid. The friends that I've had before this crap have been great and there for me when I've needed them but I still don't want them to feel that I'm taking advantage of them so I do what I can for them ...I don't know what else to say, I don't feel as though I have enough or do enough for them. I don't have much.

Blogging therapy...

...Some people don't believe in it (I'm one of them) and some people are a closed book. Well, I'm not a closed book, well duh, not NOW. I'm afraid of offending people, but my friends will understand what I'm saying and I'm just me. So why in the world  do I care so much if others like me, or approve or even understand me? I ask me this all of he time, maybe this year will help me not care or at least care a little less. Maybe everyone does care they just don't show it, or write it in a blog. They certainly don't show it, or show there insecurity as much as I feel like I do. I feel like a 15 year old standing in the corner of a dance waiting for someone to ask me to dance most of the time, it's really uncomfortable. I know I'm a fun, goofy interesting person I just have to show it sometimes, get out of my shell and negativity. I wander like I don't know where to go some times, or what conversation I want to get into, ugh its totally weird and uncomfortable but I don't know what to do about it. I don't like crowds, which is ironic sense I'm in a very large group of triathletes, but I have my few friends and I'm good with that, until there not there and I don't have anyone else to talk to....here's a thought...talk to someone else...uh...everyone seems to have there group and know everyone else and I don't want to jump in the middle and make a idiot of myself...so I wait for others to talk to me, ya I know...not the way to be.

Focus on the good....

...Not the bad. It takes time and concentration. Don't say something or think something positive and follow it with a negative....that's totally counterproductive!!!  Say something positive and stick with it damn it!!!!  Bzzzzt....but NOTHING...stick with it!!!!! I am a single 36 year old, fabulous female with a huge, loving heart who is very proud of herself, what I've accomplishments thus far and down to earth and would love to be able to share it with someone with the same attributes (and who can help me get to cross the IRONMAN finish line)...


(PS. I'm not re-reading this, except my flaws :-) and love me anyway.)

So many thoughts....

You know how sometimes you want to write some things down but you don't
know where to start because you have so many thoughts and feeling that are just jumping around you think, where or how do I start? You want to write because talking about it just seems repetitive and your tired of talking about  yourself, but your also tired of being sad, mad and just plain upset and you really don't know why this feeling won't go away.

1. This does not define me

2. I do not NEED a guy

3. Most of the time I AM very proud of myself

4. I have awesome/amazing friends and family

5. My thoughts jump around a LOT

6. Some times I just need help getting out of my depression hole

7. I don't deal with change well

8. I am ready for a real good relationship

9. It sucks when all of your ex's are getting married, to the girl after you.

10. Why do I care so much what everyone ELSE thinks of this blog, what I'm thinking or feeling? I'm a great person and if they are true friends they wont judge me on what you say so much, they know the real you/me already.

11. I think my mind needs some ADHD meds

12. I love how I feel after I finish a race!

I have asked myself this question several times lately; "When did I become SO sad and unhappy?" The answer: 2007.  When I thought I had it all and it all diminished and then finally ended badly, and who ended it and why did I have such a touch year and why can't I shake it, get over it, move on? Well it's not just one thing, all in the same year I broke up with my long time boyfriend with good reason, I shattered my elbow my first season with my triathlon team, I had my gallbladder removed, and lost my best friend because of miss communication and stubbornness (I guess). Things just sucked and I didn't understand why it was happening to me...but why NOT me, why am I so special that this wouldn't happen to me? BUT DAMN IT, haven't I had enough crap happen to me from little girl until now... well girl, I tell myself, I AM a stronger person because of this. I am such a understanding person, I'm the one who say's "don't make fun of them, or laugh at them, it's not their fault, they're trying..." "Don't hurt that person or hurt their feelings just because they pissed on you. (figuratively speaking)" . Why am I like that you may ask...because I was that girl all my life (in school) being picked apart and made fun
of. So ya, I'm damn strong. So why do I still cry at the drop of a hat about things that I have no control over, or because I tried so hard for 'this' and didn't accomplish it on my first, second or third try. I don't know! I want so bad to have that relationship again where I am so comfortable to be my goofy self and don't have to put up some kind of front, to be able to bounce my thoughts off and get feedback or to go to Home Depot with and do home improvements with. My friends ask me if I ever meet people on my team that I'd be interested in, well YES, yes I
have, but I never seem to be there type (which is fine, I guess ha ha)
or something; or my favorite answer to my friends is YES I do but by the
time you are done with your training or your race I look like dog poo on
the bottom of someone's shoe and who wants to go out with THAT (rofl). I
may not be the smallest, the prettiest, the cutest (though I would not
agree J/K) or the fastest athlete but I'm a damn good person, I try hard
for everything I have and know what hard work and persistence is and I
don't think that I've had anything handed to me, and I don't think that
anything SHOULD be handed to anyone for that matter.
Now, if you still reading this I don't want you to think that I don't
like myself, or that I am not confident, sure I don't like my pictures
and I wish that I was a little smaller, stronger and faster but that's
not going to happen overnight (I have come to that reality)  and
honestly if I sit back and think about it...I am smaller, stronger and
faster, just not if I compare myself to others that are smaller,
stronger or faster than ME, but I am all that from a year ago and
definitely from the start of this triathlon experience/addiction.
This past weekend someone told me to stop contradicting myself, I say
something good about me and then follow it with something bad or
something that I could have done better. I'm going to need a lot of
practice with that! 
So my come back from 2007 is that I have a great job, I can pretty much
straighten my arm with my new elbow, and I'm doing half IRONMAN's
(Ironmen just doesn't sound right :-/) I am attempting them and I'm
hoping that the third time is a charm, because I'm trying and I'm
training I'm taking and using advice and I don't want to back down
because that makes me feel like a failure, I WILL do this, I CAN do
this, I CAN do this! Oh how I will feel crossing that finish line on (or
close to) on time while the finish line still up and when it WILL be counted on 'the books'. There is no reason why I can't do this. For crying out loud when
my friends cross the finish line *I* CRY, ask me if I want this...I want
to be extraordinary ok sure I want to keep up with my friends too but I
want this for me and I want to say that I am an IRONMAN someday...hell
right now I like saying that I am a half Ironman even though it took
nine and a half hours :-P  Not everyone does this and I think that's why
I like it so much. I want to date someone too but I've given up on the
stupid online shit because I hate meeting people for the first time and
I hate wondering if he's really going to look like his picture or if
he's going to end up being a crazy lazy man. I want to meet someone face
to face, hang out and then start dating, no pressure there. I don't know
when that will happen I just hope it does. 

I also would like that friendship back but I don't think it would ever
be the same. I loved that friendship and I trusted that friendship, we
were sounding boards for one another but we've both changed and moved
on.

This year is going to be challenging too...I seem to be on the 4 year
plan, every 4th year is just really tough for me. Life is just plan
unfair sometimes (or so it seems). 

My grandparents and aunt who are in heave would be so proud and I miss them, I think about them often.

Yes I know you can not live in the past, that's not what I'm trying to do.