...is what I tell myself. If it were not for disappointment we wouldn't feel the achievement we were so meant to feel ... how sweet it is! Is also what I tell myself. It's true, though we never want to go through the embarrassing, gut wrenching, awful times but where would we be if everything was just given to us. I think of this year of mine, this past winter I gained a little bit of weight, as many do in the winter, I got in a ridiculously stupid, furiously situation that pisses me off just about every day but have to realize that you have to have tears to enjoy the laughs, and I've had 2 DNF's (again!) this year with training and concentrating on my weaknesses, swimming 1.5 miles for every weekend for about 7 weeks and swimming during the week; biking as much as I can doing hill work and following as close as possible for me to the schedule. Still when you do the work, when your a good person and when you think your doing the right thing, things are STILL going to suck sometimes and it's just not going to be your day, your night or your race.
Learn to rely on others....
...Sounds easy huh!? Not when you don't like asking for help, not when your trying to be so independent and not when you like your own time to do what you want and when you want to do it. When you lose your license or you limited to what you can do on your own you lose part of yourself. Yea sure it sounds silly until it's YOU would it's happening too. You have to talk to people you don't know, you have to make new friends and you have to 'put yourself out there' and then the questions come and you have to answer them. I'm not good at talking people that I don't know, I'm not good at meeting new friends and I'm not good relying on others or patients. I'm just not good at it! Nobody like to feel or be vulnerable (sp?). I'm not out spoken and I don't like introducing myself...it scares the hell out of me...I don't like being judged and I try so so hard not to judge others (unless I'm at Wal-Mart and your asking for it). I try hard to avoid disappointment and this is why I don't like asking people for help...usually people don't have a goal to disappoint others I get that but have you ever tried to plan your weekend around someone else schedule or a few other people, you gotta just roll with it. BUT in saying all of that, I've met some awesome people (what judgments do they have on me make me nervous!), I've had some pretty awesome training rides and learned a lot about myself, like I CAN follow a cue sheet, craziness! I should learn how to carry more fluid. The friends that I've had before this crap have been great and there for me when I've needed them but I still don't want them to feel that I'm taking advantage of them so I do what I can for them ...I don't know what else to say, I don't feel as though I have enough or do enough for them. I don't have much.
Blogging therapy...
...Some people don't believe in it (I'm one of them) and some people are a closed book. Well, I'm not a closed book, well duh, not NOW. I'm afraid of offending people, but my friends will understand what I'm saying and I'm just me. So why in the world do I care so much if others like me, or approve or even understand me? I ask me this all of he time, maybe this year will help me not care or at least care a little less. Maybe everyone does care they just don't show it, or write it in a blog. They certainly don't show it, or show there insecurity as much as I feel like I do. I feel like a 15 year old standing in the corner of a dance waiting for someone to ask me to dance most of the time, it's really uncomfortable. I know I'm a fun, goofy interesting person I just have to show it sometimes, get out of my shell and negativity. I wander like I don't know where to go some times, or what conversation I want to get into, ugh its totally weird and uncomfortable but I don't know what to do about it. I don't like crowds, which is ironic sense I'm in a very large group of triathletes, but I have my few friends and I'm good with that, until there not there and I don't have anyone else to talk to....here's a thought...talk to someone else...uh...everyone seems to have there group and know everyone else and I don't want to jump in the middle and make a idiot of myself...so I wait for others to talk to me, ya I know...not the way to be.
Focus on the good....
...Not the bad. It takes time and concentration. Don't say something or think something positive and follow it with a negative....that's totally counterproductive!!! Say something positive and stick with it damn it!!!! Bzzzzt....but NOTHING...stick with it!!!!! I am a single 36 year old, fabulous female with a huge, loving heart who is very proud of herself, what I've accomplishments thus far and down to earth and would love to be able to share it with someone with the same attributes (and who can help me get to cross the IRONMAN finish line)...
(PS. I'm not re-reading this, except my flaws :-) and love me anyway.)
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