What are YOU good at?

1. Eating things that I shouldn't
2. Drinking 
3. Being lazy
4. Self destruction putting myself down
5. Negativity 
6. Seeing my faults 

This is what depression (stupid depression!!!) does to you, always seeing the bad, being exhausted,  rather sleep than do what you actually like doing on a normal day. Sucking the life out of you and annoying everyone around you (me). How do you get out of this feeling? You get something to help and hope that it helps...apparently it takes a while. This weekend and last weekend was two bad training weekends, this weekend worse than last weekend. At least last weekend I got my 60 mile bike ride in, I haven't felt like running, mostly because my body hurts but I missed two pretty big runs that now I have to try to make up.What's worse is that another person told me that "You can't do that, it's too much for you...why don't you go back to sprints and Olympics?". Oh yea, that helps, thanks. I hope that my 'help' kicks in quick because I'm tired of not knowing why I am tired, seriously I go to bed at 9 and still oversleep...and on the weekend I got to bed early, sleep kinda late and go back for a nap. Where normally, I get up early run miles and or bike miles, get back have lunch and a shower and then MAYBE take a nap.

This week is the third week that I stayed out of the candy bowl at work, being a sugar-holic is another issue I have (read: eating things that I shouldn't) two weeks of being angry and irritated because I haven't had any sugar and by the third week I wanted even thinking about it. This weekend I had a cup cake and a muffin and felt bad about it :-/ it was YUMMY but I'm not sure that it was worth it.

Always being the short, slow, fat girl: No matter what I do, how much I do or what I eat; the more I do the hungrier I get, and I crave carbs (bread, pasta) and I always combine it with protein but I'm still not the short, fast, skinny girl. I hate seeing pictures of me because I might do more than others but I sure don't look like it.  It is SO frustrating!!! Why did I get the depression, overeating, fat, self esteem problem gene? My brothers the fit, blond hair blue eyed, tall 'can do' anything guy...gene. Whatever! I'm fine.

...But where the hell is my happy, energized, LOVE to run girl?  Runners are happy, healthy LOVELY human beings!!

Still trying to 'find yourself'?...

Some people find there self at 20, some at 30. I'm not exactly a natural when it comes to (anything but being sarcastic) being athletic. I tried soccer when I was little but I wasn't good so the coach never put me in, I tried gymnastics but I'm not really sure what happened there either, so I became a couch potato. I wish I had stuck with something throughout my school years because it sure would help me now. You know when you try and you try but something seems to always get in your way, so you try to find another way and sometimes you just think..."maybe this isn't for me."  Why does my body only know how to get better at a freaking SNAILS pace? I have no clue but I'm getting damn frustrated I'm telling you. Sure I have all of my limbs, new parts yes but they just don't show, so I KNOW I can do it. There is no reason why I can't do this. Plus, what else is there to do....get lazy?...that is NOT a option I've worked to damn hard for this. I just want to be as good and fast as my friends, to be able to keep up. I'm tired of getting smoked at everything!

I'm good at being slow and inefficient but I want to be BETTER at being efficient and fast (er). I'm just not sure when that will happen.